Like your favorite sappy film: Cream cocktails

Drinks made with cream are like sappy movies: You can't always resist them, but you'll almost always deny liking them. The Casablancas of the cocktail world have earned their keep, while the Blue Lagoons - the Kahlúa and Creams - never quite die out. The Pink Squirrel and the Grasshopper are nearly extinct, but the Ramos Fizz and the Alexander manage - if only slightly - to endure. The latter drink, like most of these heavy digestifs, is a dessert cocktail to be called on only when dessert isn't. The Ramos brothers actually succeeded in concocting a wonderful frothy potion to accompany the likes of Eggs Benedict, but that classic is one of the few mixed drinks made with cream that's considered palatable before a dinner's last course. Fortunately, however, the occasion and timing of these drinks are really the only difficult elements of mixing them, though there are a few hints worth remembering.

As one might expect, freshness counts, and just as milk ranges in texture from nonfat to acidophilus to whole, cream also has its range, from half-and-half to heavy whipping cream. People have very particular and often unbending tastes when it comes to how thick or how cold cream or milk should be even when it's in a mixed drink. As host, you'll need to make snap judgments as to which chilled carton to grab, keeping in mind that one person's idea of cream may be another's take on whole milk.

If the evening is early or you have a young buck who orders a Kahlúa and Cream because he hasn't quite developed a taste for spirits, reach for the whole milk. It's certainly not cream, but it will be thick enough to thin the Kahlúa's syrupy taste. Also, use whole milk if someone orders a Grasshopper or another creamy classic on the rocks. Using milk instead of cream or half-and-half will keep your guests from feeling overly full after the drink. But other than these rare instances, milk is seldom used in a cocktail. In fact, the only other times that I've needed milk behind the bar was for a Milk Punch and the occasional scotch and milk, ordered by the guy who didn't think I knew what a Milk Punch was. Most often, it's half-and-half, not cream or milk, used in cocktails. Reach for it any time you want a creamy cocktail that won't fill an esophagus with phlegm. Also, because half-and-half is thinner than cream, the consistency of your drinks will be smoother and you won't have to shake them so hard or resort to mechanical blenders. But again, use your judgment; if you suspect guests want something they can slowly pull through a straw instead of sipping delicately, reach for the cream. Just remember that creamy drinks are for informal occasions - mustaches are not becoming.

The most common cocktail use of heavy whipping cream these days is as a topping on such hot drinks as the Irish Coffee. There's no substitute for the cool richness of this thick cream coating your throat before a gulp of whiskey and coffee. Never top a drink with whipped cream from a can, and always make your own whipped cream. To achieve the proper consistency of whipping cream, use either a hand mixer or a milkshake mixer. First, shake the carton of cream thoroughly. Then pour 1 to 2 cups of cream into a stainless-steel milkshake cup or a stainless-steel bowl if you're using a hand mixer. You can add just a dash of white crème de cacao or a dash of vanilla to the cream for a more rounded taste. Whip the cream with short bursts, checking it for consistency often. Stop mixing when the cream looks slightly bubbly and will pour slightly faster than honey. If the whipped cream is too thick, try adding more cream; however, often it's easier to start fresh. To maintain the consistency of a large batch of whipped cream, give it a quick whip a few seconds before dolloping it onto a drink.

Now, my least favorite drink: the grown-up milkshake. Very rarely am I in the right mood to make even a close friend one of these so-called drinks. However, thanks to TGIFridays, these fountain-style drinks are popular. If you want to adhere to the traditional recipes calling for cream, you'll need to buy whipping cream - not the sweetened fluffy stuff that comes in a tub or a can but the unsweetened liquid type that's sold in cartons. Because these drinks are sweet enough to hide most mixing mistakes, you can easily create your own by blending cream, lots of ice, and 3 or 4 ounces of a guest's favorite cordial. But avoid using too much cream - more than 2 ounces per drink and the richness of the cream will overpower the cordial's taste. If balancing the cream and the cordials is a recurring problem for you, use vanilla ice cream instead (yes, it's been done by even me). Resist using flavored ice cream, unless you'd like to make a Grasshopper milkshake, and then opt for mint-chocolate-chip ice cream. Substitute one scoop of ice cream in place of the 2 ounces of cream and skip using ice. But before serving any version of this spiked shake, ask yourself if you and your guests are really up for the hangover - not to mention the icy head rush - certain to follow a concoction like that. Also, it's worth noting that monitoring one's liquor intake is especially difficult to do when the alcohol can't be tasted - a good enough reason to revert to a cream classic like the Bee's Kiss or the Clover Club ... or to just order dessert.