When the head's hung low: The hangover

We've all suffered the curse of a hangover. I receive daily pleas for relief from this malady, along with emails suggesting random remedies. Everyone has a cure: The ancient Egyptians insisted boiled cabbage prevented a hangover, the Assyrians swore a ground swallow's beak mixed with myrrh did the same, sailors the world over claimed ocean water was the cure, and today, most sorry souls say the "hair of the dog" is the only answer to an aching head.

Times have changed, and today's cures for overindulgence are no less creative than yesterday's. But sadly, the reality hasn't changed: There is no anodyne for a hangover, only rest, water, and common sense - regrettably usually a day late.

Now, general sensibility aside, if imbibers want to avoid a hell of a hangover - as opposed to the mild type that merely ruins the day - they should sip lots of water with their cocktails in hope of avoiding dehydration the next morning. I've even known people who drink a glass of water in between cocktail orders. Imbibers wise enough to dose their last glass of soda water before bed with commercial alkalizing salts may be even better off the following morning. But as far as the day after goes, warm water will soothe - not save - a stomach, and cold water will only agitate it further.

Other "remedies," such as aspirin or hair of the dog, only mask or postpone payment for your irresponsible actions. As the Esquire Drink Book of 1956 points out, "The hair of the dog is a downright assassin; most have just enough truth in them to be plausible - and enough untruth to make them poisonous."

Hair of the dog - the dog that bit you - refers to drinking more of whatever made you hung over. Essentially, it keeps you drunk, so you don't experience the effects of alcohol - only alcoholism.

Stomach-revivers or pick-me-ups are drinks with alcohol, usually made with an absinthe substitute and such enticing ingredients as sauerkraut, tabasco, or mustard - just what any weak stomach needs after a long night. Remember, when you're suffering from a hangover, you're ailing from the numbing effects of ethyl alcohol. Your stomach doesn't need a morning-after shock - it needs rest.

I don't like to repeat the same experience over and over. Because of this, I not only jump from spirit to spirit throughout the night, but I often stake my reputation on leading individuals through an evening of enjoyable libations. I take it as a personal failure if I hear later that one of my guests was not able to function properly the next day because of an upset stomach.

My experience has been that mixing brands and spirits does not result in a better or worse hangover. Concern yourself more with the quality of liquor, and steer clear of spirits in plastic jugs and the well brands of questionable establishments. The extra 50 cents that you'd pay for Maker's Mark or Boodles in your drink will be money well spent - your head will be clearer than if you sipped cheap whiskey, and your liver will have to work less, because the distillers did their job.

Some say drinking beer before cocktails or vice versa is a recipe for morning-after misery. From a hangover standpoint, I'm not certain that's true, though I agree imbibers should follow a logical progression for making an evening efficient and enjoyable. On particularly hot days, for instance, an ice-cold lager or pilsner is a great way to start a visit to the bar. Just one will help you acclimate to the environment and will keep you from becoming irritated if the bartender grabs a mixing guide to look up your next order, perhaps a Sidecar.

But too much beer will make you bloated and tired, not the proper sensations to excite you for your evening meal - for that, you need an Aviation), will encourage your appetite while leaving room for food.

After a drink or two, it's time to contemplate food if you want to avoid the drunken silliness that inevitably leads to a hangover. At this point, I order my next cocktail with my meal in mind. If I'll be starting with an order of mixed greens, I'll request a cocktail like the cognac or Poire Williams would finish off the evening nicely.

Written out - even to me - this sounds like quite a bit of drinking for one night. I must admit that such extravagances should be saved for nights with old friends or new loves. But over the course of five to six hours, such drinking can be responsible and enjoyable, as long as you recognize your personal limits.

Regardless of the occasion, remember to eat if you intend to have more than two drinks in one sitting - (olives don't count). Digesting food slows the immediate inebriation from the alcohol, and good food does wonders for how you will remember the evening the next morning.

I'm not sure smoke contributes to a hangover, but I have noticed over the years that the same amount of alcohol enjoyed in a smoke-filled bistro affects me much worse than it would if sipped while seated on an outdoor patio.

As always, I believe that drinking when you're in high spirits is important. Drinking when you're depressed will only prove to be an unhealthy experience physiologically and psychologically. Also, don't drink out of habit, and needless to say, only a fool would drive after a night of drinking. Enjoying spirits of any kind is a purposeful task, and your body and mind should take a conscious part in deciding what it will be.