From the sober side of the bar: Slang

Thanks to unsavory drinks like Sex on the Beach and Slow Comfortable Screw, bartenders in typically fine drinking establishments often refer to their own vantage as "the sober side of the bar." Like the soda jerks of the '20s who coined "eighty-six," bartenders have created and appropriated terms for their trade. When used correctly by imbibers, these words reveal people who know how to order exactly what they want. But when spouted off by nescient fops, they irk like a Francophile's fake accent and poor usage.

"Neat" is the most common of these terms. People who've learned their bar diction from James Bond and other Hollywood heroes use this word interchangeably with "up." But for the record, neat means a liquor is served unmixed and undiluted. In other words, the beverage is poured straight from its bottle or decanter into a glass with no ice. Wine is a good example of a drink best sipped neat. You would never order a Martini neat, unless you just wanted Martini & Rossi vermouth in a glass. You could order gin neat, though I wouldn't. Vodka, however, is ideal neat.

Neat doesn't necessarily mean warm. A bottle of vodka, for instance, can spend its life in the freezer, making appearances only at the outset of meals featuring borscht. Other liquors commonly served neat are cognac in a snifter; whiskey in a tumbler; chased by a lime wedge; and a cordial in a pony.

"Up," on the other hand, implies that some mixology should take place. Usually, the bartender will stir or shake the beverage with ice and strain it into a stemmed glass. These drinks should never contain ice. True cocktails, like Martinis and Manhattans, are tastiest served this way.

The alternative to ordering a cocktail up is requesting it "on the rocks." Typically, someone who orders a drink this way wants a spirit slightly diluted and plans to linger over it longer than the typical cocktail drinker. A drink served on the rocks is prepared like one served up, except it's strained into a tumbler of ice. Cocktails served on the rocks are for quenching thirst, while those served up encourage appetites.

"Over" describes one of the most relaxing concoctions ever - a drink of one or two spirits poured directly into a glass filled with ice. The spirits aren't chilled beforehand, and as whiskey connoisseurs will attest, this serving type seems to flavor the ice. When served promptly, the first sip of an over tastes strong, as if straight. After a few seconds, though, the ice melts a bit, and the spirit becomes refreshing.

The Scottish dictum that whiskey should never touch water applies only to true scotch (probably served at the small single-malt joint in town that everyone overlooks) - not the Johnnie Walker-like blends popular in the United States. Bar etiquette dictates that the tumbler in which an over was served should not be cleared from the table or bar until the patron offers it. Even when another round has been ordered, most over drinkers will want it poured into their current glass, rather than toss their well-flavored ice.

Ordering vodka over - though common - is ridiculous, because you only receive a spirit at a lower proof, not flavorful ice. Vodka lovers may be miffed by this view, but the reality is that only distinctive spirits will flavor ice, and vodka - because of its distillation - is too pure to be distinctive.

Very similar to a drink served over is a "mist." In fact, the only difference is the type of ice used: A mist uses shaved or crushed ice, while an over uses cubes. Drinks ordered as mists are much colder than beverages served on the rocks or over, because more of the ice's surface area touches the spirit. Mists are perfect for hot summer afternoons, as every sip brings with it small, refreshing chips of ice. I suspect the mist inspired the inventor of the snow cone.

These drink nuances make all the difference to those who notice them. (It's like specifying how you want your steak cooked.) There are hundreds of other words in the lingua franca of bartending, but the terms here are the most important (though understanding the meaning of sling, frappé, float, or fizz would be helpful also). Next time you're a camper ordering a spacer for yourself and (unknowingly) a placebo for the bartender, rest assured that with these key terms, you'll actually get what you think you ordered.