What's in a name? If you're embarrassed to say it, you should be emabarrassed to order it

A name can say a lot about a cocktail and even more about its imbiber. After all, if you're embarrassed to say it, you should be embarrassed to order it. Sex on the Beach, Blowjob, Mind Eraser, and Swampwater are all unsavory names for generic drinks with recipes that demand little from a mixer. These names may not sound generic to typical imbibers, but to experienced bartenders they're more nebulous than anything behind the bar. Bartenders rarely concern themselves with memorizing these drinks' lengthy recipes because the client who's willing to order something named without wit or charm will settle for sipping anything colorful, sweet, and offensively strong.

Of course, occasionally one of these so-called cocktails will get a head of steam from a liquor maker or an establishment set on making an easy buck. Innocent imbibers hear of these drinks being promoted, and assume they're popular because they taste good. Just today I've received three emails recommending three different recipes for the Swampwater. The only thing these recipes have in common is that each includes a half-dozen difficult-to-remember ingredients. From a mixer's perspective, a cocktail with a name that doesn't capture the drink's essence or christening is rarely remembered. Oftentimes, bartenders unable to recall the recipe's ingredients will grab whatever spirits they think the imbiber will like.

Most of these drinks are descendants of the Long Island Iced Tea, the only such drink with a recipe of any staying power. Besides being the elder, the Long Island Iced Tea is easy for bartenders to remember since it calls for the four or five bottles of well spirits that are kept closest to their mixing stations. In fact, anyone could remember to reach for these bottles. But when something is ordered that calls for a premium vodka, three types of liqueurs, a chilled spirit, and three juices, mixers can hardly recall the correct recipe let alone where all the ingredients are shelved. Some bars are set up to accommodate drinks of this type, though fortunately most are not. But even bartenders who subscribe to the Old School of bartending will make a stab at mixing one of these concoctions to keep an imbiber happy. Yet, as you pass through different regions or even different neighborhoods, I guarantee that the drinks' tastes will change unless you mention three or four of the drink's ingredients to the mixer. Most people accept that a Sex on the Beach will have vodka in it or that a Slow Comfortable Screw will have Southern Comfort in it, but after the primary ingredient, the other four or five spirits, cordials, and syrups - as well as their correct proportions - are anyone's guess. Aside from the main spirit, these drinks usually share only the same color, serving glass, and inevitable morning-after hangover.

So who's to blame for popularizing these distasteful drinks? Is it the bartending profession or its clientele? I blame each party - as long as both sides are sheepishly going about an evening afraid to admit that they either don't know the recipe or don't know a better alternative to try, nothing will be solved. Years ago, customers were laughed out of a bar for not knowing the recipe of the drink they ordered, and barmen were fired if drink recipes were forgotten or misprepared. Today, if bartenders used formalized mixing standards and imbibers expected these standards, bad drinks like Sex on the Beach would die out as imbibers began to realize that there are hundreds of classics, such as the Daiquiri, the Maiden's Prayer, and the Mojito, that are sure to suit palates that favor sweet or smooth-tasting drinks. I also have news for those imbibers who still think that drinks with names similar to the Blowjob and the Mind Eraser impress dates: You've missed the era of fern bars. The market has been flooded with so many of these concoctions that they are no longer impressive or exciting. Chances are you'll stand out more in a crowd if you specify a gin Martini rather than a Slow Comfortable Screw up against the Wall - and your date will appreciate your subtlety.