Jell-O shots? Not even once a year

As Cocktail reader Brendan Danaher pointed out, I really need to loosen up. "Hey," he recently wrote, "I can't find a recipe for Jell-O shots on your Web site. Sure, it's gross. And it's ruined many a carpet. And it's caused many a coed to pass out. But I still need the recipe." Well, I'll finally concede, if you insist. Those of you who are also after a way to get your fix without the distracting taste of spirits will appreciate the simple recipe of Jell-O shots.

Jell-O shots - the '90s cocktail for the economy-minded and fast-paced imbiber - can save you hours of work behind the bar. You can make two weeks' worth of cocktails in only 30 minutes, and because Jell-O has such amazing stamina, you can make it two weeks in advance. Keep a tray of shots in the fridge (covered with Saran wrap, of course) for those unexpected times when family and friends of friends stop by for spontaneous Bacchanalian gatherings. Remember Bill Cosby and his stoop full of pint-sized friends waiting for their jiggly portion of fun? Well, just imagine your own front steps when you pull out a cookie sheet of Jell-O shots: a Dockers ad gone kindergarten?

Let me remind you that Jell-O shots are not meant to be tasted. Instead, they're a texture food that should be judged on its color and shake. To make your Jell-O shots in the tradition of TGIFridays, do not boil the spirit; heat only the Jell-O ingredients. The best liquor choice is vodka, which imparts just the right amount of punch without harming the delicate nature of Jell-O's ninth ingredient - artificial flavor - or its tartness from adipic and fumaric acids. I have tried the classic combination of lime Jell-O and tequila, but tequila is too flavorful. Remember, if an imbiber can taste the liquor, then the Jell-O shots are ruined. Ideally, always use 100-proof vodka or 190-proof Everclear - the neutral grain spirits that give you the hangover you deserve.

Few drinks lend themselves to becoming Jell-O shots, but the Hairy Navel, when mixed with one 6-ounce box of orange Jell-O, 2 cups vodka, and 1/4 cup peach schnapps, does. As far as the secrets of making Jell-O, they're all printed clearly and succinctly on the box. When making a batch, use the "speed-set" method and substitute freezer-chilled vodka for the 2 cups of cold water. Resist the temptation to try your creation before it sets - wait the full 90 minutes.

The packaging of your Jell-O shots is important. Cutting the Jell-O into squares is tacky, and an awful throwback to the '80s. The use of Jell-O molds is also outdated. Instead, use small medicine cups, which can be acquired easily and covertly from your local hospital.

Of course, if all this seems benign to you, do keep in mind that it was Brendan who insisted, and if asked, I would never recommend a cocktail with gelatin to a friend, even on April Fools'.