The bartender: The aristocrat of the working class

"The cheapest and easiest way to become an influential man and be looked up to by the community at large, was to stand behind a bar, wear a cluster diamond pin, and sell whiskey. I am not sure, but the saloon-keeper held a shade higher rank than any other member of society. His opinion had weight."

- Mark Twain, Roughing It

Not everyone can successfully learn bartending, no matter how much they practice. Responding to one of those ads for bartending schools that promise to teach you more than 1,500 drink recipes in five days certainly isn't the way to go.

Besides having a passion for the art of mixology or cooking, you must also have an undying spirit for something else in life. For me, it's antiques and architecture. When times were most depressing at work, I always had something else to focus on, which made it easy to serve great cocktails to the rudest of people.

I've been lucky enough to work in places frequented by artists, educators, and chefs. I was constantly enriched by my contact with them. These types of people had all the same emotions in need of venting as clients in any other establishment, but at least their stories and their conversation were interesting and informative.

Barkeep etiquette

To be a popular barkeep, you must either be truly interested in other people's lives or really enjoy talking about yourself. There are definitely two schools here, and some bartenders have been to both. When people come to a bar, they are looking for something more interesting than what they left at home. At times, they want to live vicariously through the antics and escapades of their host. Often, they're also looking to share a bit of their lives, in the hope that you, the bartender, can improve them. Good bartenders can dissect a story and compare it to other people's predicaments, making the most drab day seem like last week's episode of Friends.

Equally important, a bartender must pay attention to details. If you're not the kind of person who likes well-cared-for shoes or pressed shirts, you may not be a successful mixologist. Sure you can keep up your end of the story and pull a pint, but I'll bet your Martini won't taste much better than lukewarm tap water on a blistering day.

I don't mean to mislead anyone into believing that $1.50 spent at the cleaners will make for a successful career. I have known many overly fastidious bartenders who didn't have what it takes to make a great drink. I think it's an obsession with the insignificant details that disabled them from instinctively putting the elements of a drink together properly (after all, mixing is more than just reading a recipe). A bartender must be perceptive enough to know when the tough-talking, leather-wearing biker really wants a sweet, "girlie" drink. The bartender must also be subtle enough not to let everyone at the bar know this.

In the old days, bartenders didn't mix with the clientele unless they were addressed directly. The rule was: the bartender hears everything but says nothing. Nowadays, bartenders must entertain; they must have the discretion to share with the bar what is important, to keep a joint lively, while not offending anyone. Only from familiarity will a bartender develop this important skill of hosting.

If you're really serious ...

Learn the basic types of drinks. From there, find bartenders you respect; ask if you can become their apprentice. As you learn from them, keep the following in mind:

Always address ladies first and directly. Why should anyone order a drink for someone else? If a male orders first, chances are he'll try to order for the woman.

Always empty an ashtray with two cigarette butts in it. Besides being unsightly, this will let you check in with your guests. Usually, eye contact is enough. If you find yourself interrupting conversations, you may be offering too much attention.

Always use an ice scoop when filling glasses or shakers with ice. Your hands will probably be dirty, and using a glass container is a hazard if it breaks.

Whenever possible, suggest some food or snacks that will accompany the beverages you are serving. Your guests will appreciate the thoughtfulness, and most likely will drink more.

Always try to know the name of the person you're serving and use it when appropriate. Don't try to be too chummy, but make the person feel comfortable at your bar. If you've forgotten some guests' names, find another way of showing that you remember them. (But never mention who they have been with previously.)

Never take the rocks away from a whiskey drinker. The only reason to drink whiskey on the rocks is to suck on the ice afterwards. Only remove the glass from the bar once it is offered to you.

When serving cocktails, true cocktails, always offer the guest a glass of soda or plain water. This will slow down the inebriation process and help avoid hangovers.

If you really want to impress people, focus on portioning each drink so that nothing is wasted. To people who find Martinis as precious as water in a desert, there is nothing more reassuring than to see the last drop of the cocktail fill their vessels.

Never be ashamed to ask people for the ingredients of what they order. It's better to be humble and correct than proud and wrong.