Sex on the beach: Why you don't need it

What, no mixed drinks in our Virtual Blender? Many of you have pointed out that we didn't include any Screwdrivers, Rum-and-Cokes, or Sex-on-the-Beaches.

As we've mentioned before, knowing the difference between cocktails and mixed drinks shows a high level of sophistication - it's like knowing the difference between soup and bisque.

I got my start at Houlihan's, a touristy chain that promotes menus full of froufrou drinks garnished with whales and monkeys. Houlihan's is notorious; its mere existence today says volumes about what went wrong for the cocktail in the '70s.

As polite social drinking declined because of teetotal politicians and rebellious youths' interest in hallucinogens, liquor companies looked to new forms of promotion to keep the dust off their bottles.

They turned to milking the bartending industry for recipes that touted their cordials in brightly colored combinations. The recipes of the so-called choice drinks (or shooters) were then run in national campaigns under risqué names, capitalizing on a tolerance brought about by the sexual revolution. The victims of these marketing shenanigans could be found at Houlihan's, sipping such specialties as the Slippery Nipple, the Sloe Comfortable Screw, and the particularly infamous Blowjob.

These sickly sweet drinks are adaptations of traditional alcoholic punches, such as the Sloe Gin Fizz, and Singapore Sling. Even in the old days these recipes were known as "girlie" drinks, whose purpose was to mask the taste of liquor while loosening the inhibitions.

Today, people order these drinks with the false hope of catching a cheap buzz. Any decent bartender can tell you that these lower-proofed cordials will only ensure a whopper of a hangover.

The Ronald McDonald of cocktails

Both bartenders and patrons became lazy in the '70s. Drinks that were mere extensions of highball recipes (such as the gin and tonic) became popular because of their simple recipes and minimal reliance on a bartender's skills.

Soon, all that people could think to order, and all that bartenders could remember how to make, were drinks that called out the ingredients. One charm of cocktails is that they are rarely brand-specific. They also allow each bartender to develop a working knowledge and some mixing flair. As far as complicated shooters go, no one knows or really cares what goes into them. No one has taken the time to standardize Sex on the Beach, so you never know what to expect when ordering one.

The Virtual Blender has a few mixed drinks in it. I stand behind the ones we've included, because they're based in the tradition of great bracers and pick-me-ups, and even my mother drinks them.

Unlike the more notorious mixed drinks, the goal of these drinks (which include the Mojito, the Bloody Mary, and Irish Coffee) is not to get drunk fast. They are tall drinks that incorporate fresh ingredients, and their coloring and flavor are natural. Like cocktails, they are to be sipped to produce a more thoughtful state, not a drunken one.